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Monday February 2nd, 2009

The Ludicrous World Of Parenting Methods.




What a funny world, the world of parenting is.  Just for a lark, I put ‘parenting’ in to google search and got 80,300,000 responses.  Ok, seems a little overwhelming.  What about parenting methods?  How many are there for instance? I found the following list, and although it’s far from complete, it gives you an idea of the plethora of methods out there.

And here they are; Connected Parenting, Attachment Parenting, Traditional Parenting, Aware Parenting, Positive Parenting, Gentle Parenting, Plant Parenting, Ezzo Parenting, Confident Parenting, Permissive Parenting, Effective Parenting, Democratic Parenting

Natural Parenting, Empathetic Parenting & Get off Your Butt Parenting.

Other than wondering what the ‘Get off your butt’ parenting style might incorporate (I’ll look later), what struck me when I first looked at this list is, how confusing it must be to be a new parent.  Which one is better?  What will work for your child?  Can you take elements from one method and delete aspects from another?

The other thing that struck me was how exclusionary all these methods are.  By trying to appear ‘distinct’ they obscure their commonality.  The language used to describe each of them also isolates just one aspect of the approach and differentiates itself by only emphasizing that trait, driving home the ridiculous concept that you can be a connected parent without being an attached one.  If I’m a traditional parent, then it seems that I have excluded effective, confident and gentle behavior from being centre stage in my parenting method, even if it forms part of what I’m doing.  My gentleness is no longer a defining factor.

So my question is, why do parents believe they need a method in the first place?  Why must they label themselves as one thing or another?  What is it that creates the need to follow a certain methodology?

The longer any civilization remains in existence, providing it has surplus energy to grow, the more complex that society becomes. Where once parents experiencing troubles might have turned to village elders, they now visit a pediatric psychiatrist instead.  Increased specialization in the workforce has created complexity that extends to the parenting world.  The parenting specialists who market the latest and greatest method must then differentiate themselves and their ideas from one another in order to gain market share.

If you place a requirement to be different as part of achieving success in the marketplace, then it follows that the more ‘different’ that message can be made, the more money the

specialist can make.   This may or may not be conscious but it does mean that common sense becomes the loser.  After all, how can you sell the obvious?

I think it’s fairly obvious that I don’t follow any prescribed parenting method other than a common sense approach.  As a result, I’m often asked where common sense has gone.  In my view, it isn’t gone.  It has simply been obscured.  With any luck, it’ll come back.  Human history is full of examples where the pendulum swings one-way and then another. Whatever you think of the methods out there though, getting off your butt seems like a logical requirement for all of them.  In the meantime, I’ll take solace from that. 

Monday October 27th, 2008

A Parent's Perspective On Keeping The End Goal In Mind.

My son just turned eighteen and I can hardly believe it.  I have an adult living with me, a young adult to be sure but one that could theoretically, join the military, visit a pub, and should he do anything wrong, feel the full effect of the law. 

Now he’s a very good boy and the latter isn’t in the picture but I wanted to pass on the feelings that come with bringing a child to adulthood.  After all, it is so easy to forget about the goal when you’re weighed down with diapers and diaperbags, with bottles hanging out of every pocket and you haven’t had a good sleep for a year.

My husband said I’m not making motherhood sound very appealing and to be sure there is much joy in bringing up children, even if you do need to keep your eyes held open with toothpicks on occasion, to see it.  With my eldest child having become an adult, it got me thinking, what does that really mean?  Is it independence?  Is it the ability to make rational decisions and be fully accepting of the consequences, even if they aren’t pleasant?  Does it mean he has passed a threshold where he now knows whatever it is he’s supposed to know?  Can I  ask him to pick up some groceries, assured that he won’t come back with a couple of extra bag of snacks because his tummy was rumbling and they "were like cheap mom."

No, I don’t think it’s any of the above.  The government simply had to come up with an age that they felt signaled the end of childhood and the beginning of the rest of his life.  He knows no more today than he knew yesterday but there is something special that comes with assuming adulthood, even if we don’t really understand much about the transition.

It is the expectation of all the things that he will be as a fully-grown man.  Traits, some of which are more developed than others.  It is the kindness I see in his eyes.  It is his wonderful sense of humour and his ability to have me in fits, with tears rolling down my face.  It is the love he shows that I know one day will be shared with a special someone, who as yet has no idea he exists.  It is the promise that he holds.

That’s why his eighteenth birthday is so special and it’s why no matter where yours are on the ladder of childhood, one day they will reach the top and step out to become who they were destined to be.  It is a wonderful moment and I am one proud mom. Happy 18th Birthday, Matt.

Monday September 1, 2008

Back To School Madness...Are You A Victim?

I just came back from a trip to ensure my family was well prepared for the start of a new school year.  What a zoo!  I was jostled amidst shelves of binders that looked like they’d been recent victims of a bomb blast, whilst harried mothers pushed and shoved in an attempt to secure the last few items on their list. 

I felt myself becoming more and more desperate as the contents of the grade 6 supply list continued to elude me. What was I doing?  Was this really necessary? Why did it need to be this way?  I began to see conspiracy everywhere.  It must be those teachers dreaming up ways to punish us parents.  This was retribution for a homework assignment we didn’t make on time or the parent teacher interview that I insisted on having alone without my child, clearly against school preference. They must have been keeping track.  Why else the demand for recipe cards that they’d sold out of a week ago or stencils that came without a size description?

I have to say that it was my husband that brought back some sanity to the situation.  “You don’t have to get it all now. When I went to school I had one book and a pencil!” he roared above the din.  Of course!  How could I be so stupid?  I looked down in to the cart and the irrationality of my potential purchases seemed to float out of the cart one by one and thump me in the head.

As sanity began to replace madness, I realized I’d been duped.  I, like any mother, wanted the best for my children but the best doesn’t equate to ‘stuff’ and half of it wasn’t even necessary in the first place. 

“You can get it after school starts when you know what they really need!” shouted my husband through the noise of an announcement declaring cell phones on sale. I felt my blood pressure rise in response to the endlessness of it all.  Of course it wouldn’t be fair for a student to have to do without a phone, would it? I mean who’d want their student to…gulp…miss a call in math class?

All the above made me think of just how ridiculous this whole fiasco had become.  My husband was right. A couple of generations ago, children did go to school with a book and a pencil.  So does all that stuff that kids get now equate to better learning?  Are our children more advanced than previous generations? Could all this paraphernalia that now includes laptops and other technology actually be making them smarter?  I think not. I think what many of these things have become is a glorious distraction.  Useful, yes at times but certainly a contributing factor to an alarmingly increasing amount of children leaving school without being able to write a coherent argument.

All we are doing is building better consumers who live with the belief that widgets will make them a better student.  Such a hope is not unlike someone who buys the latest kitchen gadget in the belief that it’ll make them in to the fabulous chef they’ve always dreamed of being.  Unfortunately, if they’re not good cook to start with the latest and greatest will not change their underlying lack of ability.   Stodge will doggedly remain stodge, no matter what new gadget they stirred it with.

So what should parents do?  Should we resist the call completely and send them to the first day of school with just a pencil to make a point?  No, but scan that list for the necessities and if you don’t think the list you’ve been given is the necessities, here’s what to do.  Buy the basics, hold on back those motherly instincts for perfection and find out during the first week what is really required.  Trust me, they won’t need half of it.

Monday July 7th, 2008

The Importance of Resilience.

Resilience is one of the most important lessons that we learn as children.  Learning to spring back from life’s adversities and to keep trying no matter what, is fundamental to our ability to thrive as adults. Children are naturally very resilient.  Watch any toddler attempt walking and they fall repeatedly and yet get up again and again.  If you pick them up because you think they’ve had enough they squirm to get down again.  They are on the move literally and figuratively and nothing and nobody is going to stop them.   However, as children get older moms and dads frequently get in the way of the development of their children’s resilience.  They intervene when they should stay in the background hoping to avoid either hurt feelings or cuts and bruises. 

Of course, resilience comes in two parts, the physical and the emotional.  The act of gaining physical resilience is associated with risk. The mere act of taking a risk, which may or may not turn out for the better, is what creates that resilience.  After all, you cannot bounce back from something if you never undertook it in the first place.  Could risk then actually make our children safer? I believe so.

Unfortunately, it is not just parents who interfere with the development of resilience. Society as a whole, in an effort to protect has mollycoddled and rendered impotent much of our children’s natural resilience by interfering to remove risky experiences from their lives. Children must wear pads if they skateboard to escape scratched knees.  They must not climb trees in public places, in case they fall.  They must not drag their sled toward a big hill without having bought with them a safety approved helmet.  Much has been done to create a childhood without risk but it is that risk that allows children to experience the true possibilities of life and then come to terms slowly with what is and what is not within their capacity to undertake.  It is by experiencing those moments of stress and bumped knees that children build character and resilience.

Our over protection has created parents and children who fear ordinary everyday activities.  In my neighborhood, children frequently as old as eight are sometimes ten are not allowed out of their backyards.   The problem is that just as our society is changing, the experiences that would have created natural resilience and would have offered our children some protection have been systematically whittled away. Resilience is after all, like a muscle.  Use it and you’ll have it forever, fail to exercise it and after a while it’s usefulness will be seriously undermined.

Risk is not just for the physical realm. Parents and society at large often converge to help our children avoid emotional risk, which in turn affects their ability to be resilient.  If there’s a race at school, everyone must get a medal. Class lists are handed out so everyone may be invited to a school child’s birthday.  We have crossed the line from being supportive towards our child’s hurt feelings to trying to avoid them all together.  There is, believe it or not, a reason why children should experience hurt feelings and to try and avoid those situations prevents your child from developing the maturity that will protect them later in life.

 

Five Chore 'Do’s' To Get Your Kids Helping Out.

1.  DO get your children involved in chores early.  Two year old's can load and unload the dishwasher.  sort socks, dust, sweep, help wash the car and do numerous other things.  Doing chores with your preschooler builds skills, confidence and gives you the ideal opportunity to offer give them lots of positive attention.

2. DO have fun when you do chores.  Model the idea that doing chores rock!  Sing, dance and chase them with the vacuum cleaner suction hose.

3. DO use chores as an ideal opportunity to teach your preschooler more about their world.  When you go to the grocery store, ask them to find the lemons or the cabbages.  Let them help you count the apples as you put them in the bag.  Teach them how to tell when fruit is ripe.

4. DO let a child attempt tasks on his or her own according to their ability.  Step in only if frustration builds but encourage them to keep trying.  Resist the temptation not to have them do things because you are too busy.  Even if it's frustrating you are still allowing them to experience the joys of the beginnings of independence.

5. DO make chores in to a game but keep expectations clear and be prepared to follow through.  Children love an opportunity to prove how clever they are so play the 'I bet you can't do....by the time I count ten' game.

 

Exercise Gear For Tots...Just Who Are They Kidding?

I was reading the paper the other day and a local editorial caught my eye. In a bid to defeat the epidemic of childhood obesity, big business has apparently come to our aid with, yes you guessed it, mini exercise equipment for little people. Now mother and child can spend quality time together as they cycle away to a morning episode of Dora. Doesn't that sound fun? Yes, nowadays it's not only you that can be chronically bored whilst exercising, your child can be too! Today's kids have come so far, haven't they? They can now cycle nowhere along side someone else going nowhere, whilst breathing good wholesome breaths of chronically polluted indoor air whilst most likely, staring at the TV.

One has to ask how much better can childhood get? Ok, my sarcasm is getting the better of me but I am compelled to ask, where is our collective common sense? Have we been so brainwashed by the consumerist culture in which we live, to truly believe that children need expensive equipment to get exercise? If so, let me be the one to put the record straight. Children need the outdoors. They need a place to run, to hide, to feel the freedom that comes from structureless activity. They need to feel the sun on their faces and the wind in their hair. They need to dig in the dirt to find worms and to marvel at the coming of winter or the beginning of spring. They need to experience life, not just stand at it's edges.

Exactly what experience does an exercise bike or some such equipment offer? Where are the lessons of it's unpredictability? The wobble one experiences on a real bike when you take the corner too slow, the thrill of going too fast? What a bland taste of the immeasurable gifts life has to offer. In my role of Calgary's version of super nanny, I try and encourage the families I work with to value their children's connection with the environment. Children need to touch, feel and hear it in all it's glory. The silence of a winter's afternoon save for their feet crunching in the snow. The gusts of wind as it whistles around their warm flap covered ears.

Every day, more and more land gets converted to the needs of our burgeoning populations. What is left needs protection now more than ever. Give your children a connection with the land and they will fight for it's rights later. Let your children experience the natural world and they will harbor a love for it always. Providing exercise equipment for children just simply isn't necessary. Try opening the door instead. (Nov 5th, 07)

Start Now And You Too Can Have A 'Superbaby!'

Who wouldn't want a 'Superbaby?' A baby whose entrance to Harvard is assured, who's healthy paycheck sits patiently in the future and whose destiny is sure to make every mom and dad proud. Well, if you want it, according to the marketers of BabyFirst TV, you'd better get going. There's no time to hang around when baby could be....learning. Hang on a minute. Staring at the TV? Something doesn't sound right here.

No matter what you think of the product you have to give the marketers their due. Forget the babies being geniuses, these savvy market professionals take the prize. If you want an example, take the name... BabyFirst TV. Ok, so that would be baby's first introduction to television but doesn't it also imply that if you aren't using the product you won't be putting baby first. Oh no, that suggestion is enough to give many moms and dads a full blown anxiety attack or at least make them reach for a bottle of valium. How clever. Make your target audience uncomfortable by implying that they'll be less than proper parents if they don't buy your product and you're sure to be reaping profits like manna from heaven.

But let’s look at this phenomena for a moment and consider it's social implications. Does the treadmill of economic achievement really have to start when our kids are in diapers? And if so, who benefits? Is this good for them, for us, for our society? Well, let's first look at the situation from our diapered friends point of view. Whereas the Canadian Pediatric Society's response is non specific, the American Academy of Pediatrics asserts that children under two should not be watching TV. Well, there you have it and it's certainly born out by my experience. TV, educational or otherwise is still, well, TV.

Ok, but what does a product like this and the many others out there say about us. About parenting today? From my point of view, it reveals a huge insecurity complex amongst parents. We seem to only feel good about our children if they measure up to those around them. We all want winners and if by luck or chance our child doesn't make the grade, then their failure is an example of profound parental inadequacy. The sad thing is they haven't failed. Everyone moves at their own pace and some children far outstrip others naturally. If you have one of those little Einsteins, good for you. If you don't and yours still continues to dump their poopy diaper behind the sofa, don't worry, try to remember how they lighten the world just by' being.' (July 30/07)

Parental Neuroticism....Are You Guilty?

I've just finished reading the Dickinson College, Helicopter Parenting Quiz and I'm happy to find out that although my eldest is still a couple of years off college, so far I've achieved success in denying our personal chopper, flight clearance. What a relief! Ok, there are probably some of you out there wondering what on earth I'm talking about. Well, it's this, helicopter parenting. That awful phenomenon characterized by parents who can't let go and subsequently hover over their children 'helping' them through their college years by phoning them to wake them up and generally interfering in every way possible.

Educators and society in general have a right to be worried by the prospect of a work force that can't look out for itself but instead of blaming parents, let's try and find out what's going on here. We have in many cases, turned in to a bunch of neurotic, competitive, self-conscious parents. Why? Well, firstly consider all that wonderful parenting advice, mostly conflicting that parents are bombarded with from the first moment that firmly wrapped bundle get's placed in their arms. Unable to find their own path and trust themselves, parents increasingly measure themselves against other parents as a indication of whether or not they're being successful and that is an absolute recipe for disaster.

Look at the insidious rise of 'bigger is better' and how unless you've been very careful, it's probably permeated everything in your life from what birthday party you throw your child to the level of involvement on your child's science project. One parent the other day complained to me that she didn't confess any of her parenting problems to her mommy friends at her local play group anymore, as such 'problems' would be construed as failure in what was such a competitive environment.† Play school...competitive?† Oh please!

Parenting has become more about being seen to be a proper parent than actually being one and although it's driven out of a genuine desire to do our best, it's not doing our kids any favours. If you don't trust yourself or are constantly measuring yourself against your peers and their lives, how can you reflect a healthy acceptance of your own achievements and disasters?† If there is no room for disappointment or failure in your life, how can there be room for trial and error in your child's?

Let's not bring our kids up to be scared of being individuals, of standing out in a crowd, of taking the road less travelled. Let's keep life as an adventure, one that gives children the chance to be who they can be by slowly taking the reins themselves. You never know, in the end your kids might just surprise you. (June 4, 07)

 

Nursery Furniture and Attitudes Now and Then.

I read in my local paper today, an article about 'stylin baby' and the furniture to which pint sized people are being introduced in the spring of 2008. Costs are well....let's just say they're a lot more than they used to be. As I'm still part way through the fascinating book called 'The World of Baby' by Georgina O'Hara, I thought you might like to compare what nursery furniture is offered now to what was available to previous generations.

As babies need to spend a large majority of their time asleep, the idea of having a special bed goes way back to ancient times. Greeks and Romans apparently used to have stools on wheels which could be rolled backwards and forwards. Some tribes used a basin like container or simply hung cradles from the ceiling of their hut. Some of the earliest cradles were hollowed out tree boughs

Cradles that rocked first appear in medieval manuscripts but they were limited to the wealthy. In most homes, a child did not have their own special piece of furniture but where they did, the cradle was far heavier and a more sturdy affair than it is today. Usually built of wood, they were built low to the ground and had canopies to protect babies from draughts, which must have been frequent in the days before central heating. The cradle was seen as a status symbol and the wealthier the parents, the greater adornments on the cradle. Fur was used to line the cradle, whilst the child themselves might be wrapped in velvet or heavy silk. Unfortunately, it was not unknown for children to die suffocated by heavy bed clothes.

In the eighteenth century, slatted and spindled cradles became popular, many as a result of contemporary writers who felt that fresh air was good for babies and having a crib where air properly circulated, was an advantage.

However, it was really the nineteenth century before nursery furniture came in to it's own. Many Victorian households had their own part of the house where the children spent nearly all their time. Known as the nursery, it came with nursery maids and the all familiar nanny. Paintings, often religious ones, hung on the wall. Colour was usually strictly controlled and bright outbursts discouraged. Instead, muted shades dominated as they were thought more suitable for young children.

Unlike kid's rooms today, parents did not think it necessary to protect children from danger. It was felt that the child should avoid dangerous places through obedience and as such fireplaces and other dangerous areas were left unblocked. Scaled down furniture was uncommon, simply because parents thought by using adult furniture, a child would more quickly leave childhood behind.

It seems to me that rather than enjoying childhood as a time to be relished, it was often simply endured. In poorer families, the reason was clear. The longer the period of childhood, the longer the dependence on the working adults and the more mouths to feed. For the wealthy, the pace was obviously slower mainly because it was the often not the parents who were impacted. Childhood was 'outsourced' and parents looked forward to the day a sentient adult would emerge from the nursery and take their place in the larger community. (April 28th)

(The world of Baby, Georgina O'Hara, Doubleday Publishing Group Inc. New York 1989)

 

Childhood and Centuries Past. Why it's much nicer to be a baby today!

It’s winter weather like we’re having currently in Calgary that always gives me the intense desire to crawl in bed with a good book. This past weekend, I’m happy to report I did just that. The book I picked up was a fascinating one, called 'The World Of The Baby’ by Georgina O’Hara. It can best be described as a frank look at childhood through the ages and I must admit having read it, that I’m glad I was born in the last century instead of previous ones.

So what exactly was life like, you might ask? Well, let’s take a look at baby nutrition in eighteenth century England, as a first step. Water was clearly unfit to drink and looked upon as a carrier of death. Milk was not pasteurized until the 1890’s and was generally avoided as parents believed that their child would grow up to resemble whatever creature the milk came from. Breast milk either from mom or a wet nurse was little guarantee of survival either, particularly when the poor often had insufficient diets.  Quite often what was left for mom to drink was either wine or ale or just plain old gin. Seems a strange choice for us modern mothers to contemplate and it certainly spawned a whole series of social problems, such as the gin epidemic in London, England during that period.

Once solid food was introduced, life got even more dodgy. Babies were fed a kind of gruel, made of flour and water and known as pap, panada, or a caudle. Closely resembling wall paper paste, this horrible mixture was often kept warm just above the fireplace, providing an excellent breeding ground for a host of dangerous bacteria. They were also fed cake and just to make life more interesting, unhappy or sluggish infants were provided a number of stimulants such as tea, coffee and wine.

Interestingly enough, the pap spoon used to offer this pap mixture was far larger than a regular spoon and had a long curved handle and was covered with a lid. Elaborate versions of silver were often made for the wealthy, which is where the British expression of ‘to be born with a silver spoon in one’s mouth’ originated.  For those of you that are not familiar with British expressions, it means to be born to wealth and opportunity.

As children got older, life continued in it’s mode of gritty harsh reality. It wasn’t until the mid-nineteenth century that people even began to ask questions or consider their child rearing approaches. Some of the ideas that resulted from these early ruminations were patently absurd. Mrs Isbella Beeton, best known for her book of household management, published in 1861, suggested that large groups of adults should avoid being with a baby because babies required large amounts of oxygen and as such the carbonic acid and mephitic gas that adults gave off through their skins, was harmful to the growing infant.

What’s so interesting about the hardships children faced throughout the centuries is not that so many children died as that seems obvious but that any children survived at all. And not only did they survive but they survived well enough that the future of the human race was never in doubt. Amazing when you think about it.    (April 21, 2008)

 

The Biggest Mistake Parents Make And How To Avoid It.

In an interview with CBC the other day, I was asked what I thought was the biggest mistake parents make.  For a moment, my mind drifted over all the areas that make up good parenting that I talk about time and time again, consistency, routine, being on the same page etc.  but what the interviewer was looking for was not only my personal favorite but perhaps one that encapsulated within it all the others. As such, I think the biggest mistake parents make is to treat children like mini adults.

What's wrong with treating a child like an adult? Well, it's simple.  They aren't adults.  They have not been on the planet long enough to know much about the world and it's our job as parents to teach them.  Let's look at what we ascribe to be commonly agreed essential adult traits. Patience, the ability to wait for something that you want.  Innate?  No, has to be taught.  Controlling our emotions, Innate?  No, has to be taught.  Need I go on?

Secondly, a child comes in to the world with an entirely egocentric point of view, a view that's necessary for their own survival.  A baby cries when she is hungry and expects to be fed.  She books no excuses about the lateness of the milk supply because you were having a shower.  A toddler screams blue murder when the cat she's trying to play with runs away and she doesn't understand.  Why would she?  The cat is an object of curiosity.  It is her job as a toddler to find out about how the world works and when someone or something frustrates that process, she will react in ways that in the adult world are not appropriate.  We understand that because she's two.  However, somewhere between now and adulthood, as her level of understanding grows, her reactions will change accordingly.

As parents, it's important to know what children are capable of and at what ages.  If a three year old spills milk on the way to the table, they are not doing it on purpose because they thought you had nothing better to do that spend ten minutes on your hands and knees.  It's is all part of their learning process.   Conversely, a child who throws tantrums at five needs to know that kind of behavior is not acceptable and that he must learn to control his outbursts.

I also often see parents engage in lengthy discussions with small children as regards their behavior.  They launch in on a lecture so long it would enough to put a crowd of middle aged business people to sleep, let alone get alone get a point across to a child.  Instead parents should try to keep it simple and be concise when they make a point, making themselves easily understood.  Keep the negotiation for later when they're older and they know enough about their world to interact on a reasonable level.  I can assure you, you'll be glad you did. (March 31,2008)

 

How to Give Your Child the Right Kind Of Attention.

Children love attention and no wonder. The loving hugs, the stories with mom and dad, the push on the swing set, are all something that children very definitively need. The question is whether or not it is possible to give your children too much attention or indeed the wrong type?

First let's look at what giving attention means. When you give attention to someone, you pay particular notice to them. You are observant, noticing what they're doing or how they're behaving and what they're saying. You block everything else out and your focus is them. When your child is doing something good, the attention you offer gives them a very powerful feedback loop. They will like the attention and so they will want to do more of the behavior that bought it to them. Conversely, if you offer attention for bad behavior, that feedback then becomes the biggest propellant towards getting more of it.

As such, many of the parents that I help are usually in a pattern of offering the same or even more attention for naughty behavior than they do for the kind they want. They don't do this consciously of course, but if nevertheless, they still do it. Once parents are aware that they must stop offering attention for negative behavior but continue to do it for positive, the scenarios improve. That doesn't mean you ignore the bad behavior but you deal with it in a way that reduces the overall attention given.

So can we can conclude that positive attention is always good? After all, if some is good wouldn't more be even better? To answer this I have to differentiate between a parent who focuses attention on their child as opposed to one that is simply involved with their child but focused on something else. For example, what's the best scenario, a parent who makes dinner every night with their child actively involved in everything they do? Or a parent who makes dinner but allows their child to experience some aspect of it, like banging the pots and playing along side? It may seem like only a small difference but in the first example the child is the focus of the activity and in the second, the child is not, although they are still included in the activity on some level.

If you go back to the dawn of human behavior, which we can only now observe in traditional societies, you'll see that children who play around their parent (s), mimicking activity seem to need less intervention and direct attention than children that don't and their behavior is better. These parents are receptive and whenever moments arrive when their child does become their focus, their interaction is entirely natural. It is not the result of a strident demand. (March 24th, 2008)

 

Will My Child Misbehave If I Control Her Too Much?

I've set myself the requirement of updating my website once a week with either a letter or editorial or something of interest, but this week I have to admit to being totally stumped. That is, until I was taking a peek at my stats and took at look at what people use as search criteria to find my site. There were all the usual ones like 'nanny, 'calgary', 'annie' but one in particular caught my eye. It said 'Will my child behave if I control her too much?'

Now there's an interesting question and I'm very grateful to whoever it was that asked it because otherwise I'd no doubt continue to be stumped. So, perhaps I can help with the answer.

First, let's look at the word 'Control.' I looked up two dictionaries, one English and one American to find their definitions. The word 'Control' was defined by the Cambridge dictionary as 'to order, limit, instruct, or rule someone's actions or behavior' and by Webster's as 'exercising restraint or having directing influence over someone' Ok, so if we take the English definition, let's look at whether it's ok to order, limit, instruct or rule over someone's actions or behavior, that person in this case being a child.

I don't know about you but the thought of ordering someone around seems a bit much. It's the kind of thing you would expect in a totalitarian state, complete with id cards and road blocks and implies that should you resist, you will be hauled off to a no frills work camp. But limit, well limits are a part of life. I can't steal my neighbour's car just because it looks good and I've always wanted a smart car... they are so cute! I digress.

Ok, let's move on to instruct. I like the word 'instruct' and feel that it is the most important job of a parent. The question is whether or not, on occasion, instruction sometimes demands compliance and whether or not, that demand for compliance then seeks to mimic that nasty word, 'order?' Are there times when it is ok and necessary to order your child to do something? Let's take an average day which might include a walk to the park. You're on the way out with your baby in the stroller and your two or three year old tagging along beside you, loosely holding your hand. All of a sudden, your child spots a lovely looking spotty dog on the other side of the road. They dash for the edge of the sidewalk because, well, small children are impulsive and you, thinking you had a firmer grip on their hand than you did, instantly see that your child in severe danger of meeting with an unthinkable accident. You try and grab your child but they're ahead of you. You shout 'Stop' and that is the moment when you get to find out instantly whether or not your child really listens to you. Hopefully, you can reach them in record time and hopefully your child will stop, but do you want to wait until a moment like that to find out? Might it not be prudent to teach your child to listen to you in the first place?

Right, so there are moments then when perhaps as nasty as it sounds, an order is necessary.  So what about ruling over someone's actions and behavior? Again, as parents we are required to make rules for our children. No, you can't poke the dog's eyes out with a stick and you can't put the cat in the washer and you can't fill up on junk food before dinner. As obvious as it sounds, we make these rules because implicitly we know more about the world than our children and as such we are their teachers. We help them interpret the world as they can understand it and that's the key.

Rules are only required when the reason behind an action is not apparent. I don't have to make a rule about doing the laundry every day because I know that if I don't do it, the underwear, socks, towels and grotty soccer stuff will pile up and fill my laundry room until no one can move. Not only that but the rumbling of discontent and the smell will surely compel me to act....eventually! But I'm an adult and I know the consequence of not doing those jobs I need to do. I know that if I don't do the laundry today, tomorrow's load will be worse and so on. Small children do not understand the consequences of their actions. Our job is to put rules in place to help them make those connections. If you run across the road, you will get hit by a car, therefore you have to stay with mommy and go across safely. When your child is twelve, they will no longer need you to escort them across the road. They know the reason for caution and the potential consequence of not displaying it.

So, yes we should retain the ability to control/instruct/limit or whatever else you want to call it, only as long as it is necessary to pass on the skills for our children to make sensible choices on their own. What we're doing is giving our children the tools to take control of their own lives in the measurements that they're ready for. You don't need to remind your teenager to brush their teeth, as they already know, but you do need to remind them about some of the lurking peer pressure to experiment they are likely to face as they head in to high school. The former is controlling, the later is well, just sensible.

So thank you to whoever it was that searched with that criteria, I hope I've helped answer your question. (March 17th, 2008)

 

Helping Your Child To Overcome All Of Life's Disappointments.

I was driving along yesterday and happened to tune in to CBC radio where they were happily interviewing Rabbi Kushner on his new book 'Overcoming Life's Disappointments'. To be honest, I'd never heard of Rabbi Kushner but his book sounded fascinating and the interview really put in to words many of my own feelings on the importance of facing disappointment in our lives. His view was that rather than seeing disappointment as something to be shied away from, instead, we should come to see it as positive as it offers a chance to overcome small difficulties in preparation for the larger problems life inadvertently brings our way.

He suggested that just as you visit the gym to increase your muscle strength, so should you 'ready' your 'muscles of resilience'. In other words, when it comes to being parents, we should try to teach our children how to deal with small disappointments, so as to prepare them for all the ups and downs that life is likely to offer. No-one is immune to rejection. It may be that your child fails to take the top prize for spelling or make the football team or gets rejected by their first boy or girlfriend. Kushner suggests that we should look at those disappointments in a more positive light, and see them as a way of making us stronger and more resilient, rather than as something we ought to avoid.

He also suggested that the way we deal with disappointments is directly related to how grateful we are for what life has to offer. He went on to say how important is was that every day we reminded ourselves and those around us of all the good things we have. When you remind yourself how lucky you are to have a house, food to eat, family and friends to share it with etc, the trials that many of us experience tend to shift off center stage. He went on to express in so many words, that no matter how 'lucky' you are along the road of life, you will not be able to travel it without meeting speed bumps of various sizes along the way. It's all in how you view those bumps and what you've done to prepare yourself beforehand.

So how to we extrapolate his views for the preschool and early school age set? Are small children too young to experience set-backs? Should we protect them instead? I've always been a firm believer in that experiencing small frustrations when young, is all part of the process of growing up. As parents you can't shield your child from every problem, nor should you. Instead offer support. When your preschooler doesn't get invited to a party they desperately wanted to go to, show empathy for their disappointment but don't interfere. When your school age child doesn't get to go to a school movie because they didn't get remember to get the form out of their back pack even after you've repeatedly requested it, offer support and empathy but don't try and fix it. I know that letting some of these natural consequences take place is hard and go against our innate parental need to protect. However, by allowing these set backs to occur you are actually increasing the resiliency of your child and their ability to thrive in later years. By allowing these mini setbacks you encourage your child to practice overcoming small obstacles in preparation for potentially much larger ones later on. Remember, kids need to flex those 'resiliency muscles' too. (March 10, 2008)

 

How To Stop Sibling Wars.

A recurring question that visitors have when they visit my site is how to stop their children fighting.  Having a couple of squabbling children in the back of a car or in any other place for that matter, is usually enough to get the hackles to rise on most moms and dads. There are however, several ways to bring peace to your family.

First, notice the difference between a general childish squabble and an actual fight. If it's the former, try hard to avoid stepping in initially and see if your children can solve the problem themselves. Believe it or not, sometimes they will surprise you. If it's a real fight, then step in immediately. Unless you have seen the whole lead up to the fight as well as the fight itself, avoid taking sides. Even if you have strong suspicions as to who the guilty party is, pretending you know who the aggressor is, when you don't can set you up for troubles. Try instead to hold kids equally responsible and offer a consequence they can work through together. If they've been fighting over a bowl of popcorn and now dropped it all over the kitchen floor, have them clean it up together.

If you know who the guilty party is for sure, then you can provide a short time out to the aggressor. If you can't routinely determine who did what to whom it's better to discipline both. Doing so, sends a powerful message that hitting or physical violence of any kind is simply not allowed. Just make sure that when you give that time out you avoid giving any attention. Take them to time out gently, but firmly and say the minimal necessary. If you know who is guilty make sure they see that your attention is with the victim instead of them and they will soon figure out that being away from the action and your attention is no fun. You may also find that your children are constantly telling tales on each other to get each other in to trouble. This kind of behavior is very common. Instead of feeling like you must adjudicate every little complaint, instead, encourage your child to see if they can come up with a solution that will 'fix' the problem themselves.

There are also going to be times in your day when you can see an argument brewing on the horizon and you're therefore in a position to stop it well before it starts. Use humour or change the subject and divert their attention. Make sure too, that the kids have lots of opportunity for physical play. There's nothing worse than being stuck inside on a winter's afternoon with everybody suffering from short tempers. Instead, try playing snow angels or going for a walk to break the day up.

If your kids are just having 'one of those days' and nothing you're doing seems to work, try to keep your sense of humour and separate them. It's quite ok to send them off or isolate one or both until they decide they want to play nicely. Although it's really important for kids to know how to share, it's also a good idea to make sure each child has their own space and toys that are wholly theirs. It also gives each child the opportunity to learn how to ask to use something that is special to someone else and how to treat such an item with respect.

Remember too that no matter how hard you try your judgements will never be seen as 'fair'. The most important thing is to make it clear that it takes two to tango and have fights in the first place. By making both your kids responsible for solving the situation ie. the clean-up, you help your children develop solidarity and a great sibling bond. (March 4, 2008)

 

The Difference Between Talent and Passion.

I was lucky enough yesterday to be able to take in Riverdance live at the Jubilee Auditorium in Calgary and I have to say, it was quite something. It also got me thinking about both passion and talent and it's role in who and what we become. The dancers were obviously highly skilled and even after they'd metaphorically danced their shoes off, their faces and expressions stayed as relaxed as if they'd been sitting, sipping a glass on wine on a deck, overlooking some exquisite mountain scenery. If I'd spent that amount of time dancing, I'd have looked like the wreck of the Hesperus and that would have been on a good day. These dancers all started young and we're obviously single minded about studying their chosen path and they had all succeeded but I couldn't help wondering how many other dancers were out there twirling on less than perfect toes, imbued with the passion but without the skill. Since then, I've also wondered just to what degree we parents, should encourage our children to pursue a certain goal or dream, when faced with the fact that our child is obviously not imbued with the talent to support his or her ambitions.

I'm sure no matter where you are around the globe you've heard or even seen the phenomena known as American Idol. I'm a fan personally, not so much because of the actual singing but because of the extraordinary illusion that many people are under with regards to their singing ability.  I know Simon Cowell can be a tad, shall we say....honest, but I, amongst many others can't help but express our incredulity at the amount of people who honestly believe they can sing when they can't. The most obvious question to ask is didn't the parents of these contestants kindly and gently suggest that a national TV program was perhaps not the best venue to highlight their singing talents?  Would that not have been a kind and thoughtful approach?  Indeed, if they didn't, how cruel could they be?  If I was an aspiring singing artist, I'd certainly prefer to hear from my mom or dad that I was tone deaf, than from a stranger who would then broadcast my humiliation nationally.

Ok, there are people out there that now are probably going to suggest that I'm in favour of squashing all ambitions and dreams as though they were some nasty beetle making a dash across the kitchen floor. Not so, however, I do believe parents have a duty to bring a certain degree of realism in to a child's life without squelching the innate desire to try. Perhaps if we focused more on the enjoyment as opposed to the attainment of competitions and being the 'best', we would help our children try things, succeed or fail and still get a huge kick out of the whole experience.  Of course, the former comes with the proviso that our children's lack of perfection is not subsequently broadcast on the TV. The reality is our child may not be a natural dancer or athlete and their chance of playing in the NHL may next to nothing, but none of it really matters when you remember that life is about the journey and not the arrival. Time for flamenco lessons anyone? (February 18th, 2008)

 

Why Rules And Limit Work and Negotiation Doesn't.

Negotiation is wonderful thing. The ability to compromise and see things from another's point of view is a skill that makes a person so much easier to live with. It's also a skill that comes with age and understanding. Teach it at the right time and it will become easily absorbed. Start too early and it ends up creating a confusing nightmare.

Firstly in order to negotiate, the person negotiating has to have the ability to see the situation from another's point of view. If your toddler or preschooler decided to grab hold of the cereal boxes in the grocery store and wing them all over the place, you would naturally want to stop them. You'd probably be embarrassed and keen to prevent as much chaos as possible. In order to negotiate the desired result of leaving the cereal alone, your child would have to be able to predict the consequences of their actions and see your solution as reasonable. That would mean that your child would firstly have to fully understand the mayhem they were creating including the clean-up required as well as the danger presented to others who might end up falling over their collection of aisle-blocking mess. Show me young child that truly understands all that and I'll show you a brick that floats!

Secondly, negotiating with a small child implies there are few if any firm limits in place. You might be of the school of allowing your thoughts and reactions to dictate how you 'negotiate' recognizing that as your thoughts and feelings change, so will your reactions. You might think it's ok to let your child bounce on the sofa one day because you got your tax rebate and you're in a great mood, yet decide against it the next after you've got an arrow through the neck and then found there's a gas bill attached to it. (Apologies for my blatant use of Blackadder comedy to make a point.)

This then begs the question of whether or not it's a good idea to let decisions be negotiated as the circumstances change or whether a firm and consistent limit is better? As an adult, you can appreciate how circumstances change and how adapt accordingly. For a small child on the other hand, vacillating comes across as simply confusing. Even if they are aware of a changing circumstance, they will not understand the reason for it. Why would it be okay for them to eat their crackers on the carpet one minute and not the next? Your reaction is no longer predictable, leaving your child to try to interpret your moods, something that in turn creates and anxiety and confusion. Your child is no way equipped for such a task. Ask most men whether they can predict their partner's moods/wants/needs and you'll most likely get a definitive 'no'. What chance then does your child have?

All right, there are probably some of you out there who are likely to respond that negotiation does away with the need to be predicable. After all, thoughts and feelings are discussed and compromises reached along the way. Really? You may be able to pull that off with a toddler or a preschooler while your home is their all consuming environment but it certainly is going to create a problem later on.  When your child hits school they are certainly not going to be in a position to negotiate the rules, so why teach them to expect or believe that such a scenario is even possible?

Children grow in to the art of negotiation as they age and become aware of the thoughts and feelings of those around them. You can help them in that learning but making them aware of why we're do what we do ie. 'I'm helping Grandma with the dishes because she's tired.' Provide an opportunity for your child to join in and help you and you maximize and enrich the learning experience. Keep using situations like that and your child will indeed absorb the ability to see a situation from someone else's point of view...the hallmark of any positive future negotiation. (February 4, 2008)

 

How To Make The Best Of Parent-Teacher Interviews.

Now that Christmas is over and the older kids are back in school, it's time to gather up those report cards and make a date with your child's teacher(s) for the ubiquitous parent-teacher interview. Now if your child is a natural Einstein, who behaves well in class and never distracts other students, then that shouldn't present any difficulty. But if your child is struggling and has any academic or any other problems, parent teacher interview time comes with it's own unique set of challenges.

It's easy for both sides of the system, both parent and teacher to see things from their own perspective without fully understanding the position of the other and that in and of itself, is often a recipe for misunderstanding and resentment. To avoid problems, it's important to realize that both you and your child's teacher are working towards a common goal. You want your child to succeed and so does your child's teacher. If there is something that the teacher sees as impeding that goal, then in all reasonableness it's his or her duty to point it out.

A student's success in school is determined by success or failure in two areas, academic and behavioral. There is much as a parent you can do to encourage success in your child's life but you cannot change raw intelligence. If your child is a budding Stephen Hawking then terrific but if they are not, it's important to encourage your child to reach for goals that are achievable. Evaluate those goals as you go and constantly adjust them upward so that your child is always challenged to be the best they can be. No-one knows your child better than you, so resist anyone who does not believe in the possibility of improvement or starts dictating limited options. There have been many examples of children written off in the school system, who then end up going on to succeed in life in any number of ways, as captains of industry or artists or some of the best thinkers of our generation.

If your child is having behavioral problems, probably the most important piece of advice I can give you is to avoid being defensive. It's easy when someone criticizes our children for us to take it so personally that fixing the problem becomes even harder. Try and understand where the teacher is coming from and be aware that he or she has probably been dreading meeting with you. Listen first of all and find out what the problem really is. Avoid saying anything initially and really consider whether the criticism is fair. Seek to understand, then to be understood. If it is fair, say as much and vow to deal with it. Remember that behavior in the classroom may differ significantly from behavior at home so If you think it isn't fair, keep in mind that people have different perspectives. That being said, stand up for your child if you think the criticism is unwarranted but be polite. I would, if you can, avoid saying anything negative in front of your child. Schedule another appointment or if you are aware there is a major issue up front, consider leaving your child at home with a baby sitter.

A child should always be taught to respect a teacher whether or not they like them so be careful not to make rude comments about a teacher at home. Occasionally your child may express real dislike of a particular teacher. Encourage them, if you can to learn to live with that individual in the most positive way they can. Only consider a move if the association is really negatively affecting your child, in which case I'd go to the wall and back to initiate change.

Negotiating the school system sometimes presents challenges but keep in mind the vast majority of teachers have only one thing on their mind, to impart meaningful knowledge to a new generation in the best way they know how. Let's try and work with them. (January 14, 2008)

The Key To A Happy Christmas...Keep It Simple!

It's that time of year again. The snows crunches delightfully underfoot, the lights are up and everywhere you go someone is singing about a holly jolly Christmas. Just a few days left and moms everywhere are hard at work trying to secure the perfect gifts, bake enough cookies to sink a battleship and organize everything so they won't need cream on the one day the store isn't open.

I'm a mom and I have to say that the very thought is enough to make me want to sit next to the Yuletide log with a cup of hot chocolate and never get up. Still, I know as appealing as that sounds it's not in the cards for me or any of the millions of other hard worked moms out there. Yes, ladies it's all down to us. So, what's Annie's advice for you this holiday season? Keep it as simple as humanly possible.

Ok ,so maybe that's not as easy as it sounds but it's certainly worth doing. Why do we feel we suddenly need to be super mom? Well, because we've brought in to the idea that we need to provide a perfect Christmas, even though we know that we're likely to be totally frazzled by the end of it. The key to a happy Christmas is to do less, expect less and revel in, you guessed it, less.

So how do you reduce the expectations of your loved ones so Christmas can be so much more fulfilling and less tiring? First, get your family to focus on someone else rather than themselves. There are literally thousands of good causes out there, all of which could do with your support. If you don't want to give money, try getting the kids to shovel a neighbour's walk instead.

Give IOU's for presents. Wash an elderly relatives hair or take over dog walking duty for Dad for a week or whatever. In need of further de-stressing? Take my advice and remember last year. Every year, some time in the first week of January, we sit surrounded by gifts that we simply don't need, food that should be anywhere else except within grabbing distance and enough paper to fill our own landfill and we swear we'll do it differently next time. If there's anything we need from Santa, it's a better memory.

 

The Keys To A Happy Nanny-Employer Relationship.

Normally my letters are mostly from parents asking parenting related questions but in the last couple of weeks I've had quite a few letters from nannies asking for my advice. In response, I'm going to use this week's editorial so address some of their issues, most of which originate from problems with the parents of their charges.

The most important piece of advice I have to offer to parents that employ a nanny is, to use a biblical expression 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' For that fact, this is good advice for anyone that employs another, but when it comes to someone potentially living in your own home and taking care of your children, it's even more vital. For whatever reason this vital piece of the puzzle often flies under the radar. Nannies become a 'catch all.' If nanny can look after children, why shouldn't she do all the laundry, cooking and other tasks?  Well, because she's a nanny not a cook or housekeeper.  If you ply her with too many tasks, she will not be able to give her full attention to the one thing that's most important...your children.

My second piece of advice is this; Many parents refuse to believe their children's behavior problems may have something to do with their own parenting approach. Nanny may see something wrong and want to fix it but can't because the parents themselves either don't see the problem  or alternatively, refuse to admit their parenting style may of had something to do with it.  Subsequently, they won't climb on board with a solution and that leaves nanny sitting high and dry and feeling very frustrated.

Nannies often complain to me that parents want them to play a significant role in the upbringing of their charges but fail to give them the authority that goes with the job. So, parents if you want a happy nanny, make sure you never undermine her authority and back her up whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Treat your nanny with dignity and respect and she will stick by you and your children. The less frequently your caregiver changes, the better for your children and their development. Offer your nanny privacy and treat her on occasion. If you like the odd bunch of flowers and thank you card, no doubt she would as well. Take care of your nanny, listen to her suggestions and value her presence and your relationship will thrive.  You can have my word on it.

Decision Making for Kids... When and How to Introduce it?

Any decision starts with a set of choices.  The ability to choose is a cherished value within our society but having said that, I honestly believe that many of the parenting problems that moms and dads get in to is because they offer choice either too early in a child's life or at inappropriate times. I see it happening with parents all the time, so just how much choice should you offer your kids?

You can only make an informed choice when you have a good idea of the consequence of each course of action. Young children do not have that ability and it must be learned through life's experience. Offer that learning at the correct time and the process is fairly painless. Offer it at the wrong time and it can make both your and their lives miserable. Let me give you an example. An appropriate choice for a toddler is to provide two small pieces of fruit on their high chair table and then to ask which one they want to eat first. They can change their mind fifty times if they wish and by choosing one piece of fruit, they do not automatically lose the other. This gives them the chance to practice the idea of choice, without yet having to worry about the intrinsic loss that often comes from taking a certain course.

As a parenting expert in Calgary, I watch carefully while moms and dads talk to their kids and I notice that many of them make life far harder for themselves than necessary. They ask their little people questions like. "Do you want to go to the park?" For a small child this is a far more confusing question than for an adult. You have chosen to go to the park perhaps because it's a warm afternoon and for other logistical reasons you can't go anywhere else. Your child on the other hand, does not know that. They were playing with their bouncy house and you asked whether they'd like to go to the park. They don't know which would be more fun. If they had experienced the different options recently, they certainly don't remember which was better. They are confused.

On top of not knowing what to do, it seems from your child's perspective like you are asking for their permission. You're their parent and without understanding why, this lack of decision making on your part seems strange to them. You are in control but you seem not to know what you want to do. Such obvious lack of certainty on your part makes your child feel unsettled. You are the adult so how is it that you do not know what you want to do?

When children feel unsettled and anxious, they don't react well. They vacillate changing their mind over and over again because they are unsure. Which would be better? What was better last time? If you have a toddler you will have seen this behavior. They do want to go, then, they don't. You, as the parent are likely to feel exasperated with them for not being able to make a decision. That irritation then gets transmitted to the child and then you're off on your way to a full-blown tantrum. Add to that, any other underlying problems such as your child being hungry or tired and your own little Vesuvius is likely to erupt in short order.

The solution? With a toddler offer limited choice like the food choice first described above. If you must ask them if they want the green or the blue hat on to go for a walk, take both and be prepared to spend the entire walk changing head gear. Don't ask a toddler whether they want a story. Instead say, "let's go outside and read a story on the grass," as though you confidently expect them to be delighted by the prospect. If you sound confident about how enjoyable the story will be, your toddler will likely be thrilled to participate.

As they grow, provide limited choices within well-defined limits. What do I mean by that? Well, when you first introduce the concept of 'real choice', make it clear up front that of the choices on offer, they can only have one and that they will have to live with that choice. Give them plenty of practice and choose choices that don't matter much to start with such with, such as would you like the blue cup or red cup? Emphasize that if they choose the red cup and later on want the blue, it will not be available until the next meal or snack. Make it clear and be prepared to stick with it. The more they practice their decision making, the better they'll get.

Slowly introduce choices of greater significance but always keep in mind that they are the child and should only be given choices within their level of understanding. Never give a child an adult decision to make. There will be plenty of time for that in their future when they have a far better understanding of how the world works and the ability to deal with any consequence.

(November 26, 07)

Chores and Your Kids...When To Start and Why?

As my focus is on chores this week, I thought I'd take a minute to look at why it's important to involve your kids in chores and exactly what you can do with your wee ones to get them started. Believe it or not, children can start helping out when they are still very young. Two year olds can do a number of things. They probably won't do the task very well and they will need a whole lot of encouragement and supervision along the way, but it's the very idea of 'helping' that's important to instill. They can take a few plates out of the dishwasher one at a time and hand them to you. They can 'help' you wash the potatoes, causing a minor flood in the process or perhaps 'help sweep' and thereby redistribute the dirt. Ok, you're probably saying. If 'helping' is going to create so much additional work, why bother? The answer to that question is really one of the major keys to teaching your children responsibility. If they help now, it will be natural for them to help later when their skills are far more developed and they can actually contribute. They are after all, part of the family unit and it's good to teach children that families all pitch in together.

So, with the idea of ending up with a teenager who's happy to mow the lawn, here's all 'DO's' you need to get your little people up and running in the chore department.

DO get your children involved in household chores early. Two year olds can sort socks, dust, sweep, help put the groceries away and do numerous other things. They can even help wash the car but you might want to put them in their swimming gear first. Doing chores with your preschooler builds skills, confidence and gives you the ideal opportunity to give them lots of positive attention. Don't worry if their standards don't match yours, they have to start somewhere!

2.DO have fun when you do chores. Model the idea that doing chores rock! Sing, dance and chase them with the vacuum cleaner suction hose. Children also love an opportunity to prove how clever they are, so play the 'I bet you can't pick up your toys by the time I ......." game. When they finish give lots of praise for a job well done.

3. DO use chores as an ideal opportunity to teach your preschooler more about their world. When you go grocery shopping, ask them to find the lemons or the cabbages. Let them help you count the apples as you put them in the bag. Teach them how to tell when fruit is ripe.

4. DO let your child attempt tasks on his or her own, according to their ability. Step in only if frustration builds but encourage them to keep trying. Resist the temptation not to have them do things because you are too busy. Even if it's frustrating and keeps you waiting, it's important because you are allowing them to experience the joys of their growing independence. Only use child sized equipment if it works. There is nothing more frustrating for a child than using tools that can't get the job done.

5. DO act as though you confidently expect your child to participate. Use 'Let's do this or that' rather than ask them whether or not they're interested. If there's a particularly onerous chore, thank them once it's finished and enjoy a fun game afterwards.

Above all be realistic and realize that no matter how fun you make it, kids will eventually tune in to the idea that chores are well....chores. If you're lucky that won't be until much later. At that point, emphasize the team approach. Get down and speak to your child at his or her level, keep expectations clear, instructions simple and be prepared to follow through.  (October 22, 07)

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.*

I came across an article the other day by one, John Hoffman in a 2005 edition of Today's Parent . It was titled 'Uncommon Sense' and went on to specify the horrendous ability of shows like Nanny 911 and Supernanny to make parents feel inept. According to Hoffman, these shows are responsible for the systematic demeaning of parental ability whose underlying message is "you parents can't do the job on your own. Leave it to a pro."

Given that because of what I do, I'm in a unique position to comment on his assertion and I would say that despite his evident dislike, shows like Supernanny reveal many people's reality. Granted it's designed as entertainment and the screaming moments are no doubt amplified to give the show more punch but it still reflects what many parents silently deal with. Whether these shows erode confidence or help parents to admit difficulty in their own lives is debatable.

What I do know is often parents don't want to admit they're having trouble because in our society it's seen as a loss of face. These are good people with good intentions but they are confused and in my view, it is not these shows but the explosion of parenting help paraphernalia, books, videos, speakers etc. over the last few decades that have, in large part created this confusion. If blame should be directed at anyone, perhaps it should be at the proliferation of these do-gooder experts, all with differing viewpoints that have gradually over time, eroded the confidence of parents in their own decision making.

Now more than ever before parents are faced with a litany of physiological dysfunctions that they can unwittingly inflict on their youngsters. Every move parents make give them cause for concern. Am I too little of a disciplinarian.....too much? Should I have said yes to my daughter or no, as I may affect her self esteem? How much more difficult can society make it for parents when every decision they make is open to being second guessed and more.

Add to that, the fact that parenting has never been more competitive than it is now. Many parents tell me how they don't want to discuss the reality of their lives with peers, simply because any major problems contribute to making them feel that they aren't measuring up.  How very sad.  It's almost as if we want to distance ourselves from the fact that we are human with our huge encompassing range of emotion and our own unique ability to muck things up. Why is it ok in the artistic world to try again, fail again, fail better, yet not be able to admit failure to anything as a parent? What is it about failure that frightens us so?

Parenthood is still despite what the experts say, largely an experiment. You give birth, you try, you try harder, you fail, you get up and try again and some eighteen or twenty years later your progeny leaves the nest (hopefully).  What you want to be able to say, is that you did your best. You cared. You loved. You succeeded at some points and blew it at others and in the final analysis you hoped for the best. See, you are human after all. (October 1, 2007)

* Samuel Beckett

 

Are We Growing A Generation Of Indoor-loving, Nature Deficient Kids?

I don't know about you but I had a lovely Labour day weekend soaking up what's left of our Calgary summer before temperatures plunge. Here in the frozen north, our weather is a definite concern and it certainly adds to the ease in which parents and kids abandon the outdoors for the couch and the TV. But it's that lack of outdoor experience that's giving our kids the latest obstacle to their ability to make it to healthy adults. It's called 'nature deficit disorder' and it's been dubbed an alarming trend.

Apparently Canadian parents, like our Americans friends to the south are so paralyzed by fear that they can't deal with letting their kids interact with the environment in an unstructured unsupervised way. Yes, we're a nation of control freaks, not because we want to be but because we've convinced ourselves that it's safer for little Johnny and Sarah to be shipped from activity to activity than to discover the world at large. Add to that our horrendous weather and we've got the perfect excuse to either a) let them veg and play computer games or b) run them ragged by dragging them to too many structured activities.

Ah, but the Healthy Living Unit of Canada's Public Health Agency is on to us. The folks up at health central have noticed that the whole notion of free, unorganized play is going out the window and they're determined to get the public to wake up and figure out some way to get it back.

But how do you change the mind of a generation? How do you erase those images of child abduction from the TV sets that are run over and over again, ad infinitum. How do we change our concept of....news? How do we stop believing there's an evil doer around every corner?

The statistics for stranger child abductions are actually going down. Less children are being targeted. So what's the solution for this media sanctioned magnification of risk? Well first, we need to take back our communities from a bogeyman that seldom existed in the first place. We need to come together as a society to understand the importance of nature to every human being as a cornerstone to their development. We need to encourage the kids to put down their gameboys and playstations and hit the grass running, even if it's likely to be dead here in Calgary. We need to send the kids outside without us, even if it means we hover by the kitchen sink so as to keep an eye on them. We can do it. We must do it.

 

Kids Behaving Badly... Is it all Just Part Of Summer Fun?

I just got back from my first round of holidays which included sitting in a campground with my children, taking in the lake, enjoying lots of sun and eating way too many chips.  It was while I was enjoying those chips that I also couldn't help noticing how many people at our campground seemed to have left their manners at home. We camped next to people that started up their noisy diesel trucks and left them running at the crack of dawn and put up with fully inebriated campers hosting their noisy parties. All par of the course for summer fun you might say.

However, after reading about how our fellow Calgarians have ruined the Elbow river with garbage, drunkenness and other miscreant behavior, I still have to wonder how it is that certain members of the public find this behavior acceptable. Now, I'm no prude. I know how to have a good time and I certainly enjoy a good bottle of wine but I still don't see why in order to have fun we have to ruin the fun for somebody else.

There's no question that every child when they hit the teenager years becomes a little more self obsessed and no doubt the need to learn to take care of oneself is paramount and necessary to one day care for other people. So like many of us, I'm willing to put up with the odd baboonish moment amongst the teenage set...within limits. However, this behavior has in many cases ceased to be transitory and instead has become 'normal' and inclusive of many other age groups. We put up with these louts and we're frightened to do anything about them. But when does all this loutish behavior start and can we do anything to prevent it? Are our two year olds destined to be relieving themselves on somebody's lawn twenty years from now?

The long and short answer is absolutely not. This nightmarish scenario need not be played out if only parents are 'parents.' Put limits on your children's behavior, be consistent and they will know you mean what you say. Be kind and supportive but don't put up with unreasonable behavior. Start today and your kids few early baboonish moments will stay limited and you won't have to worry about the their less than delightful antics being featured on the front page of the City section. In the meantime, best of the summer to you and yours.  (August 5, 2007

Have you got a Winning Relationship with your Nanny?

Late last night, I came across a history magazine with an article in it that described what people looked for in a servant in the late part of the 19th and early part of the 20th century. It detailed their lives and made interesting reading.  It also got me thinking about not only what it must have been like to be an employee or an employer back then but also about how the relationship between the two might have changed over the past century.

Working conditions have obviously improved immeasurably and we happily no longer consider somebody that works for us as a servant but nevertheless, having a stranger work in your home is a challenge for both parties and it deserves some discussion. I come in to contact with a lot of people that wish to hire nannies and I can tell you that most people have no real idea of the common pitfalls of such a relationship. They see nanny through a pair of rosy coloured glasses and picture her or him happily cleaning behind the washing machine whilst a toddler plays happily beside them. They do, in short suffer from a bad case of 'fantasy thinking.'

Nannies are human. There are some exceptional ones, some great ones and unfortunately the occasional bad one but whoever you chose, remember nannies cannot be all things to all people. Nannies are responsible for the care of your children. They are not cooks and they are not housekeepers. Asking a nanny to prepare her charge's meal is part of her job. Asking her to clean the toilet, is not.

As I mentioned in one of my podcasts, people sometimes tell me with pride how they treat their nanny like a member of the family. This seldom works and for good reason. Most people are not the saints at home that they are at work. We are, after all human and home is where we feel safe and are most likely to let our feelings show. Just as you appreciate a professional working environment, so does your nanny.

I also think it's easy for employers to forget what a huge impact they have on their own children through the work of their nanny. If your nanny is happy and feels appreciated, your children will benefit immeasurably. If you have the day off, give one to your nanny. Be generous. Both yourself and your children will be more than compensated as a result of such positive feelings.

Remember too not to undermine your nanny's rules. She is in charge in your absence and you will have a far better relationship with her if you follow through on rules she has put in place. Remember too to offer her lots of privacy. Make her apartment or room off limits to the kids without her permission. Treat your nanny in the same way that you would like to be treated if you were doing her job. Consistency in child care is vital and the relationships she makes with your children are important to keep for as long as possible. Last but not least, have a 'Nanny Day' because she too, deserves it. (July 9,07)

 

Is it Ok to Bribe the Teacher?

One of my sons just failed math. Ok, that's it, time to drown my head in a bucket of water or bribe the principal with a nice bottle of Pinot Noir. Either that, or I should bring out the cat o' nine tails and give myself one blow for every lost opportunity to teach fractions when we made cupcakes. This must be evidence of profound personal failure as a parent, compelling me to reach for the nearest psychiatrist's couch and a couple of valium. Despite the protectionist feelings that rise to the surface, I am determined to resist them. I cannot fix things nor should I.

As much as I love my son and as much as the road ahead sometimes seems as formidable as the wall of China, my son and I are not joined at the hip. His failure is not mine and what's more his failure will teach him what he needs to know to master the world he is about to enter. Failure, even if momentary is the best teacher and a privilege to have experienced. If summer school is what it takes then summer school is what he'll have to do. As much as I love him and learning disability or not, you either succeed or you don't. What is the point in the school passing him if society will not?

I have no doubt that despite taking the road less travelled he will eventually arrive. He is a wonderful kid and he has a great sense of humour which will help him through. But in the meantime I must standby whilst he writes about Canada's claim to the North West Passage but instead writes, 'Canada's clam.' If only our territorial disputes were so easily solved as to have some giant clam sitting on an ice flow grunting 'Don't go in there!'

My personal parenting helicopter will be denied hovering. I won't even fill the gas tank. At moments I'll have to reach for the duct tape to keep from interfering but learn is what he must do and he will, if and only if my husband and I stand back and give him that chance. In the meantime I think we'll enjoy the Pinot Noir together. Seems silly to let it go to waste! (July 2nd, 2007)

(My son gave his permission for this editorial....what a great kid!)

 

Parental Craziness...Would you like to Rebel?

That's it, I'm fed up! I have brain overload. All those pin numbers, school events, soccer practices, work deadlines, volunteer obligations and all the other never ending activities that make up my daily life are threatening to explode out of my head like Crackatoa. If I had a computer between my ears, this information overload would be no issue but I'm afraid I'm just ordinary and our current world seems to think I'm infused with with the latest version of Microsoft office.

I have, as I'm sure many of you do, a number of bank accounts. No, I'm not wealthy but I like to organize myself so I know what funds are where. This gives me the false security that comes from believing that when Revenue Canada comes calling, I can get on the phone and address their concerns without a large bottle of wine beside me. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe sipping a nice merlot wouldn't be such a bad idea. It might actually lower my blood pressure to comatose level which is the only way you can have a decent chat with someone from Revenue Canada..I digress.

My accounts all need a pin number. No worries, I'll just write them down. This suggestion received a definitive head wagging from the bank's personnel. Ok, fine, I'll just use the same number for all my different accounts. Again the response was definitively negative. If someone figures out my number they'll be able to clean my various accounts and reduce me to a quivering mass of poverty stricken jelly. Ok, so what's a person to do? I could write the number on my body and peak down on it when in trouble but then I'd have to have it on a bit that nobody could see and trying to find that bit in a public place could get me a night in the local lock up.

Bank accounts aside, I either need to get a bigger calendar board or start writing my 'to do' list on the my neighbour's garage door. Why is it that the vendors of after school activities all tend to schedule these activities at the same time and always over dinner? Not only are many parents left sprinting from venue to venue, dragging reluctant kids but quite often they're also trying to squeeze in dinner, tying soccer shoes with a semi warm hot dog sticking out of their mouths. So much for nutrition and time to enjoy a decent meal!

I've often thought it would be fun to one day to make a point at the expense of the soccer establishment. Granted it would be a small rebellion and only to one source of frustration but it would be so much fun. I could wait for practice and take my son and the rest of my family and as soon as he's settled on the field, I could take my fold-out table, bring out the potted chicken (whatever potted means), remove the bottle of wine, glasses, tablecloth, fruits and veggies, garden chairs etc. and dig in right there on the side of the pitch. I could even bring a boom box and put on jazz or something equally eclectic that I pretty much don't know the meaning of at home. Of course such a move would thoroughly embarrass my fourteen year old son but hey, I do that simply by breathing.

Cheers! (June 18th, 2007)

Why Boredom Frightens Parents And Why It's Good For Kids.

"Mom, I'm bored" What is it about that sentence that frightens us parents to death and makes us willing to live on a treadmill that can end up running us, instead of us running it?  I think the idea of boredom nips at the core of what makes us parents. Our child only has to utter the word 'bored' and suddenly we've failed. We're no longer the parent that cares enough to constantly keep our child stimulated. We're neglectful and in order to perpetrate this horrible sin we must have gulp, put someone or something ahead of our child's needs.

Ok, that's it. Time to hand in the 'Parent of the Year' award and take on the title of 'Parental Failure.' But wait, hang on. Is it possible that letting our offspring be bored might actually be good for them?  Let's look at the possibilities. Is there anything that our child might gain from being bored?  Well, yes there is and this is an excellent time to talk about it as those warm long summer days filled with potential boredom are not far off on the horizon. Out of boredom comes something very special. It's not packaged, it's not arranged but it's definitely there. Slowly but surely a child's brain will start to wander and from this wandering comes something very exciting, a fort made out of their quilt, an imaginary horse made from the back of the sofa or other endlessly creative ideas. And for this creative thought to emerge, boredom is not only a good to have, it's often a pre-requisite.

Keeping children constantly occupied is not good for them and it's not good for you. People who cannot entertain themselves grow in to unfulfilled adults who forever search for that 'outside' thing to make them whole. Learning to live with yourself is a skill that's just as important to learn as good table manners and it won't arrive on it's own.

Give a touch of boredom a whirl and see what happens because out of that abyss of nothingness can come something wonderful. Yes, you have to be prepared for the initial whining but ignore away and resist the temptation to put on the telly, give them access to the computer or rush off to the sports center or playground. Does that mean that there's no room for structured activities etc.?  Of course not, but there are definitely moments when a little bit of boredom is not only good but essential.

And who knows?  It might actually be good for you too. Allowing your kids to occasionally get bored means not only will their personal creativity abound but when you do arrange activities, they'll be appreciated as something to get excited about. Not only that, but while they're expanding their imagination, you might even get a moment for a quiet cool drink in the summer sun or perhaps more realistically, at least be able to get up to date with the laundry! (April 9, 2007)

The Joys Of 'Hanging Out.'

My sister alerted me the other day to an article in the British Times that essentially laid out the merits of 'slob time' with your kids. Well, 'hanging out' is probably the North American equivalent to 'slob time' but the question now is it good for us and if so, are we doing enough of it? The first question I think we need to ask ourselves is what is the definition of 'hanging out?' Is it doing something or nothing? Is it quality time or not? It's a bit confusing, isn't it?

Just what is it that qualifies as hanging out? Does it need our full attention? I don't know about you but when I grew up hanging around and not doing much was considered well, lazy. Productive was in, sloth was out. And times don't seem to have changed much. We parents argue that if our kids aren't in structured activities all the time, then they'll get in to stuff. And if you're of the religious persuasion, you'll certainly know the quote, 'The Devil makes work for idle hands.'

With all the research about our hectic lives and how detrimental continual stress is to our family lives as well as our health, maybe we could all benefit from stopping for a moment to smell the roses. Try it, it's surprising what you can learn. Stopping the rush and seeing the world through the eyes of a small child is the most eye opening experience. To stop and really see what they see is to experience the wonder they feel as they learn about their world. These unstructured moments provide the best opportunity to really understand our kids and where they're coming from. It also gives them the opportunity to tell us about their observations. Too often they try to tell us but we're not really listening. We're shuttling them around but our attention is elsewhere. We think they don't notice but they do.

So as often as you can, put aside the need to accomplish that long list of activities and enjoy your little people.  Take a big deep breath and relax and remember there'll be all the time in the world once they're grown.

A Fountain Of Parenting Knowledge...And It's Flowing Right Under Your Nose!

I've often thought it if it were possible, that it would be easier to start off the parenting adventure as a grandma rather than a mom. Just imagine, you could ease in to parenting gently by enjoying the children on a limited basis, taking them on fun outings without dealing with the aftermath and hand them back when they decided to be rotten. Ok, so life doesn't work like that. There is no gentle introduction. Unfortunately all parents get thrown in to the vast sea of parenting uncertainty the moment that tiny little bundle gets placed in their arms. Suddenly, they go from being the masters of their own destiny to the caring for a cute but albeit constantly demanding little person around the clock with no breaks, marginal amount of sleep and perpetually cold food.

I've often asked myself how many people would answer the call to be a parent if it was advertised in the paper. Wanted, a selfless individual to work long hours. Smelly working conditions and must be prepared to be routinely covered in spittle and/or regurgitated milk. Opportunities for advancement include being a unpaid chauffeur, maid, cook, amateur psychologist, teacher, nurse and let's not forget...personal banker. But if you look at that long list of parenting requirements and swallow hard, just remember something. There is someone who has not only been through the parenting jungle but has come out with the monkeys carrying the coconuts.  Someone with immense wisdom who has been there and got the T-shirt.  And that person is none other than your mom and your children's grandma.

Yes, there she is and she's a vast encyclopedia of knowledge just waiting to be noticed. I like to think of grandma's wisdom like a maple tree waiting to be tapped. Most grandma's will continue to drip snippets of information but all that knowledge is destined to lie wasted, unless we act quickly and get busy trapping some of those dribbles of wisdom in a jar.  At that point, we might actually get enough of the good stuff to really help us out....or at least make a terrific batch of pancakes.

Now, I know some grandmas don't know when to keep their mouth firmly shut and there are other grandmas out there that make you wish you'd never been born but by and large they are a marvelous lot. And surprise, but they actually do know stuff. Oh, I know it's somewhat old fashioned and the world has moved on but you know when all is said and done, your aging mom has turned in to a fountain of knowledge and who wouldn't want to tap in to that.

So, next time your mother has the timidity to suggest something, don't dismiss her out of hand because you never know, she might actually be right.

 

Childless People Who Know Everything...A Parent's Worst Nightmare!

To be a parent is in many ways to belong to a unique club. Only once you've experienced the joys, hardships and sheer exhaustion, are you allowed to make the odd helpful comment to those that are coming up behind you. Now we all know there are some individuals out there whose comments are anything but helpful. Those types who glare at us in the grocery store when our youngest has decided to flip out over our choice of cereal.  No, it doesn't matter how you handle it, there's always someone who thinks that they could have done it better than you. But let's face it, the criticism parents face comes from many different areas of society and none irritates me more than hearing from the childless.  Perhaps you've heard of that wonderful quote "I was a much better parent before I had children." (Anonymous)

Yes, they know it all and we all have them, sisters, cousins, friends and they all know how to parent better than you. It's enough to make you want to give them a wonderful dose of reality, a weekend with your kids when everybody's sick and the washer has broken down...again. The kind of parental realism that'll leave them tired, fed up and thoroughly penitent. In a perfect world, perhaps but how to deal with their comments in the meantime? Should one tactfully remind them that parenting is a 365 day a year job? That there are no days off, no sick days that you can crawl gratefully in to bed, whilst someone else keeps your three year old occupied with a simulating craft.

Parenting is, to use the words of Charles Dickens "The best of times and the worst of times." It's a roller coaster ride from beginning to end. It is a continuing adventure that for me, has been a privilege to have undertaken. Where else can you have such an enormous impact on the life of another? In what other endeavor can you learn so much about yourself? It's like attempting the summit of K2 in a pair of runners and a windbreaker, surviving the inevitable storms and coming home battered but oh, so much better off for the journey.

So next time you get some tactless individual gracing you with their parental wisdom or lack of it, just smile, content in the knowledge they have not been where you have been. Nor have they been graced with such a monumental opportunity to experience life in all it's shades. And remember, think yourself lucky because you are.

 

The Perfect Parent...Who Are We Kidding?

I get the feeling that there are a lot of moms and dads out there that feel they're not measuring up. Ok, next question. What measure are they using to figure out whether they make the grade and is that measure fair? Or are we being judged by some over zealous perfectionists who've never held a screaming bundle in their arms to save their life and if they did, wouldn't have the first clue what to do with it. I don't know about you, but every time I see some family sit com with the perfect family all coming out with the perfect joke, laughing happily for the prescribed time, I want to strangle the sanctimonious twit who put it on the air. Ok, so it's not entirely our tv executives fault as they are simply reflecting the society that we want to believe we live in.

But the society they portray doesn't exist and what's more, the fact that it doesn't is a good thing. Just imagine how boring it would be if we were all perfect. People are human. We do get cranky when we're woken up several times a night. We have great days and bad days. When the frustration builds you either let it out or it eats away at you from the inside. The key as with everything is to keep trying and when you fail, as you will and probably often, apologize to those you've affected and move on. What's more give yourself a break!

The idea of perfect parenting is extremely harmful. Obviously that doesn't mean that you go to the opposite extreme but next time you hear some parenting expert rattle on about how damaging getting cross with your kids is, imagine him or her at home, having a good rant while their teenager has a tantrum, the dinner is burning and the dog just threw up on the carpet because that, or something like, it is likely the reality.

What a silly word dysfunctional is because in someways we are all dysfunctional. I, for instance, drive my car to the exercise club when it's less than a kilometre away. How nutty is that? I would tell you it's because I don't have time and there are too many things going on for me to take the time. However, the reality is that the trip is uphill....all the way and I'm just too darned lazy. So whether you lose it with the kids because your toddler insisted on clearing out the grocery store candy aisle single-handedly or you're on a diet but secretly snuffle maple fudge when no one's looking, I want all of us out there to breathe easier because let me tell you if you knew what your neighbours were doing, you'd think you were normal or is that abnormal?.....I give up! (©: Jan 10,07)

Taking Your Toddler Grocery Shopping - How To Survive And Even Enjoy It!

Taking your toddler grocery shopping can feel like the parental equivalent of a trek up Everest. Negotiating tricky crevasses (your toddler's willingness to participate) through to sudden storms (tantrums) can make that push for the summit (tonight's dinner) feel particularly unreachable. So what's a mom or dad to do? Abandon all attempts and go internet grocery shopping instead? Not a bad idea. Live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Well, it's probably your toddler's idea of a gourmet meal.* But like peanut butter or not, you're going to have to go at one point. It's one of those unfortunate musts and the survival trick is preparation.

Just as you wouldn't make your quest for Everest's summit in a bikini, so you shouldn't take your toddler when she clearly has no chance of making it through the event. Plan early in the day what you need and make sure you go shopping either well before nap time before the 'cranks' arrive or after her nap when you're sure she's fully awake. No adult likes being dragged out of bed and shoved in to a car seat, so try to offer the same consideration to your little person. Plan a snack which you can either give just before you go or alternatively, make a picnic out of it.

Have realistic expectations for your shopping experience and make sure that you are also as well rested as you can be, before you embark on your voyage. Don’t cram too many errands in together. Getting those last few things done may seem like a good idea, but when you’ve got your little person in tow, it’s a recipe for a disaster. Tell your toddler your plans. We’re just going in to this store to get groceries and you get to sit in the cart! Make sure you phrase it in such a way that it’s a done deal. Make it sound like you confidently expect your toddler to participate in this wonderful exercise.

Put your toddler in the cart immediately on entering the store, unless you have another mode of transportation that does not involve her walking independently. Do up the safety straps and take advantage of those grocery store cleaning wipes to give the handle a swipe if they offer one. Bring a long a toy for her that you can preferably attach to the cart.

Resist the temptation to offer treats in the grocery store. If you do provide a treat, you could well create a problem that will last for years and make grocery store visits about as appealing as having a root canal. Why not just one? Well, just introducing the concept can cause problems both now and down the line. Make a habit of never offering anything in the store, except your delightful company. Just remember, if you can encourage them to find you scintillating at this age, you might be in with a hope that they will still find you even remotely interesting when they’re a teenager.

Make your toddler part of the shopping experience. Take time out to make it a fun and educational experience for her. Show her the produce you’re buying and name things for her. Let her help you put things in the cart, if she’s in a good enough mood. Take time to enjoy her as she learns something new. Expect little hands to reach and be careful where you park your cart as you don’t want to be responsible for creating a roller derby out of tomato sauce cans.

When you get back in the car, congratulate her on a job well done. Tell her how much you liked her helping you. Take time out to offer her a pleasant activity once you're home and you’ve put the perishables away. Remember you want to praise her when she behaves well and the rest of the groceries will always be there to be put away later. *If your toddler eats peanut butter be sure to use smooth peanut butter thinly spread. © (December 31, 06)

A Martha Christmas - Who Needs It?

The Christmas music is everywhere, the baking is piling up, the Christmas cards and presents are in various stages of readiness and us moms are a wreck. It's enough to make you want to run away to a little cabin in the woods and sit by a cosy fire, with of course, a jacuzzi, satellite tv and housekeeping service. Is it just me or are there more and more people who'd just like to escape the whole thing? I've been thinking about that a lot this week. I even convinced myself that maybe my family felt the same way and we could all retreat to a little cabin in the woods, watch the snow piling up against the window and have a wholesome snowball fight followed by warm steaming mugs of hot chocolate. Who am I kidding? That idea to a teenager has about as much appeal as taking a sock knitting class. Ok, so no woods for me this year. Don't worry, I'll get over it.....eventually.

Back to our regular Christmas. It's not that it's bad but there is always the expectation of that wonderful Christmas where everyone bathes in the warmth of togetherness, eats terrific meals lovingly hand-prepared and goes around with perpetual smile glued to their face. The love of the season and all that. But you know, let's face it, we're human and the fantasy seldom matches reality. So why do we keep killing ourselves every year to create a real Martha Christmas? You know, I often wonder if Martha gives us all a guilt complex about Christmas dinner and then secretly goes off and orders a pizza!

So this year, I'm back to my recipe cards. But you know, apart from the fact that all those hard working pizza people need a break too, I too have a dream. A dream of us moms taking a break and being more relaxed over the Christmas period. I can hear those pizza boxes piling up already. But wait, we can't add more boxes to the landfill. I know of only one solution and Martha it has your name written on it. The pressure may be off us but now it's on you. Help us create that perfect Christmas and put those pizza boxes to good use. Create the perfect craft to use up that old box and we'll all be laughing. See Martha, we do need you after all. Merry Christmas. © (Dec 17, 06)

Whose For Going The Whole Hogg?

I opened the paper here recently to discover the story of one Traci Hogg from Charlotte, North Carolina. When most mothers are struggling with diapers and keeping their wee one busy, Traci is already thinking about her eighteen month old son's education. Has she been forward thinking and set up her son's education plan already? In a sense, perhaps. Traci has started a website to sell her toddler's services as a human billboard. She is asking $10,000 a month to advertise all over her son Jake's clothing and face. For the latter, she asks for washable tatoos only.

Well the first question I have to ask is are there any body parts off limits? Why not go the whole hog (no pun intended) and take advantage of those magical naked paddling pool moments to advertise on his rear end with a slogan like 'Bert's buttered buns are better.' And why stop there? How about promoting responsible drinking with a glass of champagne tattooed on his tiny buttocks with the words 'Bottoms up' quickly followed by please drink responsibly. The possibilities are endless.

It seems Traci is on to a good thing. One must only hope that baby Jake's cuteness lasts forever otherwise once the tattoos have long since been washed off and companies have long since disappeared, little Jake may feel the switch on his tiny star has been cruelly switched off. In a case like that, who could blame him? (Oct, 29,06)

 

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