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My son is very disrespectful...what's wrong?

"Hi Annie,
 
I have a 3.5 year old son who is very disrespectful of me. He roars, swears and has tantrums at the drop of a hat. He does not act this way towards his father. I am wondering if there is any advice you can give me. We also have a 2 yr old boy who is following in his brothers footsteps. These kids are loved dearly and want for nothing. Why do they act so terribly towards me?
My husband says I have to be more aggressive with him and show him who is boss, but that is just not in me. I don't think raising my voice and getting upset will help this situation.
 
Thanks in advance,
Jerry-Lynn

"

Hi Jerry-Lynn

Thanks for writing to me.  Firstly I realize that it takes enormous courage to reach out to someone you don't know and ask for advice.  Secondly, your instinct is your greatest guide and right now, it's telling you things are not working well, so you're quite right to act on it.

I'm going to lay out for you what I think isn't working and the reasons for it. What strikes me about your letter is that you sound confused and hurt.  You're expecting your children to behave as adults, to rationally access what you do for them and act in an accordingly grateful way.  The trouble is a three year old is not an adult.  They do not have the capability to rationalize what you do or don't do for them.  All they want is to feel safe and know that you are leading the family and therein lies the problem.

Children act out for a reason.  Let's examine how most parents with similar issues get in to these problems.  After the baby stage and as the child grows, parents often become centered on their children.  They believe that by doing this they are being responsive parents but a child is hard wired to be happiest when an adult is centered on their own activity from which the child can watch, imitate and play along.  Any adult who interrupts this process to find out what their child needs next, looks to the child as though they are lacking in confidence, something which is likely to make any toddler extremely uncomfortable.  It may also seem to the child as though the parent is looking to the them for assurance.  When the question of who's in control is no longer obvious the child becomes aware of the vacuum and tries to fill it.  Of course they are unable to and thus they become increasingly insecure, displaying that insecurity in their behavior by becoming more demanding commonly indulging in what adults would see as 'naughty disrespectful' behavior.  The child will continue to display that kind of attitude until the question of leadership is resolved. 

The behaviors you are seeing are the panicked reaction of a child who does do know for sure that your are in charge and is desperately trying to get you to re-assume control.  Young children have a need not only for love but for reliable authority figures.  Your children know they have that that in their father, which is why they behave differently with him, although I have to point out that the leadership role can be done very handily without getting upset, raising your voice or being aggressive.

I know that pointing something out like this is likely to be somewhat of a shock but the good news is that you have come to a realization and need for change at a point in the lives of your children when it is still very doable.  If you had come to me ten years from now with a strapping and thoroughly disrespectful teenager there would be nothing I could do, as this path is set in motion very early on.

If after reading this you are convinced of the merit in what I'm saying, then I would urge you to get started right away.   Try and pick a weekend or a time when you have support as the behavior will get momentarily worse before it gets better.  Your son will kick up a fuss just to see if you are serious.


I can tell you love your children very much.  Keep in mind you are doing this for them.  These are a child's real needs.

All the best,

Annie

Date Entered: 2009-05-19 14:34:23.0
Date Last Modified: 2009-05-19 14:57:19.0

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