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My friend needs help with her kids!
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Bonjour Annie,
My best friend has just separated from her abusive husband; after spending over a month in a special Shelter for abused wives and mothers , she is now slowly getting organized in a new apartment. The transition is very difficult for her – she feels overwhelmed with the new responsibility of caring for her two daughters all on her own. Family members are too far to give a hand on a moment’s notice and I have a family of my own and cannot always be there to help her organize herself.
I believe that if she organizes her day, with a printed schedule on her fridge; involving both daughters (even at 3 & 5 y.o, ): I believe the girls can do small things , helpful things , that will not only help Mommy but also show the girls that they can participate in some daily tasks and realize that it is a team effort, all can win and grow from this new adventure.
I was hoping you could guide me in setting up such a schedule: my friend works Monday to Friday, 8h30 to 16h30 – the girls both attend daycare – they must leave the house in the morning by 7h30 and are back home by 17h30.
Many thanks for any suggestions you will send by way.
Sylvie
Bonjour Sylvie
Thanks for writing to me. You sound as though you're a great support to your friend in what is obviously a very difficult time for her and I'm sure she appreciates your help. Having said that, although a routine is important for kids and helps to give them a secure feeling, a schedule is somewhat different. A schedule implies that it should not be deviated from whereas a routine is a much more an order of events that is not tied to a specific time. It is therefore a lot more flexible.
I also know everybody comes to the table with their own innate personality. Some people are organized types and love schedules and other people hate them. From my experience visiting multiple families, I've recognized that some individuals are just not the schedule oriented type and to try and help them adopt one is often counter productive.
You are obviously trying very hard to help and therefore what I will suggest is that to make things simpler in the morning, it might be helpful to draw a few pictures on a large piece of cardboard as to the order of their activities, particularly for the younger one. A picture of them washing at the sink, dressing, eating breakfast, toothbrush etc. may help them get on with things in a more independent way meaning a less stressed morning.
I would also suggest that she start her bedtime routine 1 hour before she wants to have the kids in bed, as that will give her plenty of time for bath, cuddles etc. For the rest of the day, she and the kids look like their time is not really their own.
I think you're really on the right track when you suggest they can be helpful to her by taking on small chores. They can load and unload the dishwasher is she has one or dry the dishes if she doesn't. They can sort laundry and sweep and do all sorts of things around the house that will help them feel that they are members of a team and will be a source of great pride in this period of transition.
If she's not the schedule type, she can make them responsible for certain tasks, perhaps from the list above or even laying the table for instance for dinner and cleaning the plates etc. Another good rule of thumb is on the weekend to keep things active for them. All children need lots of physical activity and it is good if they can burn up energy a couple of times a day at least with a trip to the park, outside play or whatever. That way when they lay their head on the pillow they'll be asleep in no time having had a fulfilling day.
I think your support is probably one of the most important sources she has and if you can continue to offer that, it'll make a huge difference. Even being a phone call away when she's exhausted can make all the difference in terms of her coping capacity.
I wish you luck.
Annie
Date Entered: 2009-03-09 14:34:28.0
Date Last Modified: 2009-03-19 09:51:01.0
Status: archive
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