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Help! I have major probems with my two year old!

Hi Stephanie

It sounds as though you are having a rough time and that's no fun for you or the children.  Ok, here are my thoughts.  I'm going to lay things out as clearly as I can for you and although this is blunt, I hope it will provide significant help.  First, children do things for a reason.  Whatever that reason is, it provides them with a compelling payback which further encourages that same kind of behavior.  You have lots of things going on here, so I'm going to deal with them one by one.

Firstly, there's the aggression your son shows toward his sister.  This cannot be allowed to continue for obvious reasons.  This is not a stage or something that will get better with time.  So, how do you deal with it?  First you have to find out why he's doing it.  What happens when he hurts his sister?  My guess, even though I don't know your family is that he's getting a massive reaction from you (and his sister to boot).  I'd react if someone tried to run me over!  That reaction is providing him with negative attention.  After all, you will no doubt get mad, as will his sister.  Look what's happening here. He does something that upsets you, whereupon you get upset, which in turn gives him the payback he's looking for, which in turn spurs him on to behave in a less than favorable way.  In other words, you're caught in a typical negative cycle.  That's problem number one.

Then comes the way you're dealing with it.  You've said and I quote "we have tried screaming, asking nicely, redirecting him, and now finally spanking as we are at our wits end."  In other words, you've tried all of them and none of them have worked.  Every time you react to something as a parent, you send a message.  Let's look at the messages you're sending with each one of those responses.

Screaming:  You're really getting to me.
Asking nicely:  I am asking for your co-operation.
Redirecting:  I'm going to nag you to get you to comply.  All moms nag a bit but you want the motivation to do things to come from your child, not you.
Spanking:  Now, you're really getting to me and I've run out of options.

Other than the obvious one, there are one or two things about the above, I'd like to point out.  Two year old children are funny little people.  Their behavior is a direct consequence of how safe and secure they feel.  What do I mean by safe?  Well, safety to a two year old means that life is predictable and stable and he knows where his boundaries lie.  How does that relate to the above?  Now let's look at those messages again in that light.

Screaming:  You're driving me crazy.  I don't know what to do with you!  This says to your child that you are no longer in control of your actions and gives your child the feeling that he is running things.
Asking nicely:  I'm trying to be respectful of you and get you to co-operate.  This is good but it has it's snags...we have to be very careful that this doesn't morph in to will you PLEASE be good!
Re-directing: I expect you not to listen to me the first time.  This sends a message to your son of, why should I bother to listen to the boundaries as they'll always be someone to tell me again.
Spanking:  You're out of control! I don't know what to do with you!  Oops, there goes that boundary again.

Most of the messages you are sending put your son in the driver's seat, where he is not equipped to be. This affects how safe and secure he feels and hence dictates the behavior you are getting.

You also need to be careful about how you ask a two year old to do something.  You can get rid of much of the defiance by how you phrase things.  Instead of saying 'Please come to the table.' Say 'It's time to come to the table.'  Why?  Because although the difference between the two is very subtle, it introduces the option to be defiant with regard to doing as asked.  If you phrase it as it being time to come to the table, simply because the food is there it takes 'you' out of the equation.  There will be plenty of times as a mom that you need to make a stand but you can reduce those times simply by the way you talk to a little person.

As an aside, for an article that I wrote that offers some extra insight on this go to http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Rules-And-Limits-Work-For-Small-Children-And-Negotiation-Doesnt&id=966273. 

Having said all that, the following are the messages you want to send.

I love you and will do what's best for you.
I expect that you will co-operate.
I expect that you will listen.
You can trust me.
I will make the decisions as I'm the grown-up.

Two year old children think they know what they want but they don't.  What they want more than anything is to feel safe and secure with a predictable routine.  They want you to be the Captain of the ship.  They need to know how they can gain positive attention and you need to give them lots of opportunity to earn that.  Find them doing things that you want and notice.  Give them chances to help you and gain your real thanks.  Everyone likes to be appreciated.  Then, at the same time make sure that the consequences of misbehavior are the same each and every time they're naughty.  Mean what you say or don't say it. For precise instructions for dealing with time outs, look at my other letters.  It's there in detail.

Much of how you react shows me that consistency is an issue in your family.  When you 'try' a number of things, it also sends a message of 'I don't know what will work with you."  You try one method and then it doesn't work, so you try another.  What you do when you do that, is confuse your child making them feel even more tenuous.  You have to pick a discipline method and stick with it no matter what the reaction of your child.   Then expect the behavior to get temporarily worse.  You've given in so many times before or switched tactics half way through that your child will try very hard to see if you will this time.  Don't worry, when you prove you won't give in, the behavior will get much better, remarkably quickly!

Because negative attention has been such an issue for you in the past, make sure you stay cool and calm when you discipline and completely ignore your child when he's in time out.  You don't want to provide any positive payback while he's being naughty, including the attention element. At the same time try very hard to see what he's doing right.

I would really encourage you to get help in tackling this.  You mentioned 'we' in your letter so I'm presuming you have a husband/partner.  That's all well and good and if you're both on the same page, you'll be able to help each other.  You might also want to think of asking a friend or other relative to help too, so that you have a better chance of staying calm while the behavior is at it's peak.

What I've tried to do here is to give you an understanding of why these things are taking place and how to deal with them.

I hope it's of help.

Best of luck,

Annie

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Date Entered: 2008-12-16 10:19:37.0
Date Last Modified: 2008-12-23 01:12:33.0

Status: archive
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