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My friend's 10 yr old has no respect for her mom!

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Hello Annie

My best friend has adopted a girl from China. Her daughter is 10 years old now. She has ADHD, high functioning autism, and many other diagnosis. She is out of control and has no respect for her mother. Her mother wants to change things but when this kid doesn't get her way she becomes violent. She kicks the door so hard it looks like it is going to break. She throws things at her mother. She curses her mother out. She has no respect for her mother. When Lori tries to disclipline Tema, Tema kicks and screams and kicks and scratches. She is almost stronger than her mother. What is going to happen when Tema is stronger that her mom and beats her up. How can she control her child so that she can diclipline her?

Michele

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Hello Michele

It must be very hard for you to sit by and watch this happening to your close friend and her daughter. Your friend has done something very noble and to have it turn out like this must be incredibly hard to cope with. I don't know what kind of professional help your friend has already accessed but I speculate that she must be under someone's care, given that Tema has been diagnosed with autism etc. I would strongly suggest that she go back to that person, whoever it is, to access any other services she can. Unfortunately in your particular case, I cannot offer specific recommendations as I have no real idea of exactly what issues Tema is dealing with. There could be many other factors at play that I'm not aware of, such as her other diagnoses etc. However having said that, this situation needs intervention. As you point out, Lori will soon be physically intimidated by her daughter which is a frightening prospect for anyone and certainly does Tema herself, no favours.

Aside from help she receives, it's vitally important that Lori act consistently in her relationship with Tema. 'No' must mean 'no' and the any limits put in place must remain steady in spite of the battering that putting in those limits might generate. This is somewhere that you can be really helpful and a good support. Whenever you change behavior, it will certainly get worse before it gets better and whatever plan is put in to action, Tema will need to know where she stands. Changing this behavior will be tough and consistency is key. Lori could certainly feel tired and overwhelmed and having a good friend like you could be vital to whether or not she succeeds. You didn't mention whether or not she had a partner but if she does, it's also extremely important that he buy in to the solution and the work required as well.

If you and your friend live in Calgary, there is an amazing program through the Calgary Family Therapy Centre at the Holy Cross Hospital. There is apparently a waiting list but even so, that may be one of her best options.

Best of luck,

Annie

Date Entered: 2007-06-25 11:53:44.0
Date Last Modified: 2007-06-30 17:19:34.0

Status: archive
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