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I need some help with my sons!

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Dear Annie,

We are an Indian family living in Bahrain We have two school going sons aged 6+ and 3+ years and a daughter of 3+ months.

Our elder son who is in 2nd standard, is a quite kid with only problem is that he still cannot concentrate on what he is doing. May it be doing class work, home work, changing clothes or eating something. If we give him some work after few seconds he starts thinking somewhere else or simply switches over to some or the other thing, thus delaying all his assigned work.

While the younger son, just started going to LKG, is a caring kid but also have problems. He is not listening to us sometimes at all. Ignoring us. If we tell him to do some works, say home work and he doesn't wants to do, he will not do, you go up & down. If we shouts and warns him he becomes aggressive, starts shouting back and sometimes hitting also. Otherwise he is quite and intelligent guy.

Please give us your experienced and valuable tips as soon as possible.

We will appreciate your early action and wait for your reply.

Thanking you and best regards,

Fauzia

 

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Dear Fauzia

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with your particular school system, so I'm going to concentrate more on the ages of your two boys and what would be fair to expect from children of six and three respectively. Let's start with your oldest son. The first thing I'd like to say is to reassure you that boys aged six are naturally boisterous and often find it difficult to adapt to a school environment and the sit-down work that's required. The question is one of whether his ability to concentrate is significantly worse than his peers. If so, it may be prudent to have him assessed medically but in my experience, children are too often labelled when they shouldn't be. Every child blooms at a different time and is on their own innate schedule.

Your son is still very young, so at this stage I would suggest you do as much as you can to encourage him. First, make sure he's getting enough exercise. Let him run around and burn off energy as much as you can and make sure he gets a healthy snack after school. Play physical games. When he does need to get something done, minimize distractions. Make sure the TV is off and he's got a quiet place to concentrate. Give him strategies to help him remember things. Make a chart of activities he needs to do after school and give him stickers which he can stick on to reward himself when the tasks are done. Break up the work he needs to do in small manageable chunks with play and/or a different activity in between. Last but not least, watch his diet. Does he eat a lot of sugar or processed foods or drink sugary drinks? If so, I would suggest you minimize his exposure.

Ok, on to your second son who is three+. What concerns me here is that he's not listening to you and becomes aggressive. In my opinion, it's very important that we stop that aggression in it's tracks. Try to remember that children watch very closely what adults in their lives are doing. If you get frustrated and shout at him it's very easy and entirely normal for him to think that behavior is ok and therefore to do it himself. I know how frustrating it can get for parents and I feel for you but try to minimize that behavior because he is copying you. To help your son improve we need to minimize what he's doing badly and notice what he's doing well. Try and notice whenever he behaves well and praise him, but be genuine. Find things he can do and encourage him. When he does misbehave, stay calm and use time out but give two warnings. Make them visual warnings, holding up your fingers. Hitting should mean an automatic time out with no warning. Take him to a space, on the stairs, in a chair, wherever there are no distractions and leave him there for a period of three minutes. If he kicks and or screams, that's fine as long as he doesn't come out and even that will disappear when he no longer has an audience. Try not to put him in time out in anger as that's still negative attention and any attention can become appealing. Be firm but kind. If he comes out, start the three minutes all over again. When his time is up, bend down, lighten your tone, ask for an apology and then have a big hug.

When it comes to listening, make sure you get on his level. Bend down and use a gentle touch to help him look directly at you. When he tries to tell you something, make sure you're listening. Kids often act up in frustration just like adults if they feel they're not being heard. Encourage him to express his feelings and help him to learn by expressing yours. Tell him when you're feeling happy, sad, hungry etc. as that will encourage him to share his feelings so he will not get so easily frustrated.

Lastly, I know that school work etc. is of enormous importance but try to remember that he is only three. He is going to have many long years of school, so it's important to keep it enjoyable for as long as you can.

All the best,

Date Entered: 2007-05-14 11:30:28.0
Date Last Modified: 2007-05-14 11:34:13.0

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