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I need help with my daughters

"I find myself at times screaming and yelling and it is the exact opposite of what I want to do. My girls are VERY BUSY and are always into things, climbing on things and has now started ripping up her books. I have found that my oldest daughter is becoming aggressive with other children Ex: running up to them and pushing them hard and she is also now hitting my husband and I. The other day she bit my 17 month old VERY hard on the finger making it swell up. She is usually very loving, bright, well mannered and loves her sister VERY MUCH, but I find she is just not listening to me. I have been putting her into the corner and making her apologize for the things she has done but again mother thinks that her apologies are half hearted and she doesn't mean them. I am thinking it is part of the "bones". I was also wondering if you had some sort of a daily schedule that a person could follow- I just feel lost sometimes as to what to do with the girls all day and find myself falling into a rut. My husband works long hours so he can keep me home with the girls and we are lucky to see him for a half hour a day during the week. It is frustrating because when he comes home and when he is home he does not want to be the "bad guy" because he only sees them for such a short time. Any thoughts as to what I can do and how do I work in having a clean house or getting any chores done? I enjoy my girls to bits but some days I find it so crazy I question my qualifications for this position. PLEASE HELP..........
Thank you
Melanie"

Hello Melanie


I sympathize that your days are crazy and I know long hours taking care of two small children is never easy but take heart, there is no one more capable or better at caring for your daughters than you. The first thing that occurs to me on reading your letter is the fact that your husband doesn't want to be the bad guy during the short period he has with the kids. I understand how your husband feels but please understand that no matter what changes I suggest, none of them will work if he comes home at the end of the day and inadvertently undermines you. Children are extremely perceptive and find out quickly which parent will give them what they want. That means he has to be on board with the changes that you want to make, why you want to make them and agree to back you up no matter what. I'd also make sure you have that chat away from your daughter.

Ok, let's move to what your older daughter is actually up to. You mentioned that she hits you and your husband. We absolutely want to stop that along with the aggressiveness towards her sister, other people as well as items around the house. So how do we deal with it? Well, let's look at why she might be doing destructive things in the first place and then what we can do about it.

From what you've told me it seems that you are struggling to cope. It also seems to me from reading your letter that all that's happening is that your children are simply reacting to what's happening to you. Once you get the train back on the track they will feel secure and know again who's in charge. That in turn will make them feel comfortable and many of the behaviors that you're currently seeing will disappear. Ok, so to change things around here's what you need to do. As you've noticed the most important thing you need to have right now is a routine. That's what gives kids a boundary to their day and makes them feel settled. It also makes life easier for you. I can't give you a schedule exactly, as I don't know your family well enough but here are important things you need to keep in mind. They are: Do some kind of energetic physical activity every day, a couple of craft and/or game times, naps if needed, snacks, story time(s) and bedtime routine. On top of this you will need to add the grocery shopping and other chores. When it comes to getting chores done, kids need to learn to play if not together at this age, at least alongside without your constant intervention. Therefore, you need to promote their own playtime. So, whenever they play nicely, praise them for getting on so well. You might have to praise them to start with only a few seconds after they begin playing. Notice their efforts and often. Initially you will find this more work but believe me it will make life much easier shortly. Let them also help you. Small children love to help, so take advantage of it whilst they're little and willing. Let them help unload the dishwasher, wipe the table, sweep up, sort socks. Whenever you take them out, plan ahead with a snack etc. but also take advantage to teach them things about their world. Point out the names of the veggies and let them help you put them in the cart. If you include them more you will find that they naturally stop seeking to gain your attention in a negative way.

Ok, how do we stop the aggressive behavior of your oldest? Right now, you're on the right track in terms of putting her in the corner. The trick is to offer her an incentive to behave well by noticing her and praising her when she does and providing simple discipline when she doesn't. Sometimes when the corner/time out isn't effective it's because of the way it's being done. I don't know what you're doing but make sure during the time she spends in the corner that she is completely ignored. If you talk to her about how upset you are or how she made you burn the dinner or whatever, it won't be effective. You also have to be totally consistent. That means that if she causes a fuss when you're bathing your youngest you have to act in exactly the same way as at any other point in the day, no matter how inconvenient it is. The same goes if you are out of the house, in the Safeway or at Grandmas. Only give her warnings (two) for behaviors that allow a warning ie. if she's hitting her sister you don't want to give her the option to do it again before you act. Give her three minutes in time out, use a timer and absolutely expect an apology.

I know that when you're really stressed your blood pressure rises quickly and it's easy to yell. But when you put this plan in to action, keeping calm is key. Not only that but if you get upset your daughter is getting that negative attention in that she knows she's got to you. Is it possible that you could ask your mom or a close friend to help you out during the first few days? Having someone there to help will allow you to focus on finding things that she's doing well and deal with the discipline aspects in a calm consistent way. Please realize that when you do change things over they will initially get worse. This is totally normal and to be expected, so just hang in there. Best of luck. I really hope this helps you out.

Annie

Date Entered: 2006-12-31 16:38:18.0
Date Last Modified: 2007-01-05 11:12:22.0

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